August and a very strange time (IVF)

It has been a while since I posted here, so much has been going on in my life and I felt unable to write about it as it was so personal. We (Boyf and I) had started a journey. IVF. Its a strange journey, well, it was for me. It was our first attempt and I embarked on it without worry or even I think a thought for the final outcome. It seemed to me like a procedure very much like procedures I had undergone before, injections, medications and for me not a very big deal - that is, to physically do. What I didn't realise at the time was, on an unconscious level I had fully commited myself to this. Even though I kept reminding myself and others I had told that this may not work, I beleive now, I thought it would. I went throught the physical procedures and did everything I was told by the doctors, trusting in what was happening. Each step passed without troubles and the day the little egg was put back, I felt protective and wary but confident. Eleven days passed slowly, but gradually, I began to feel signs and indications of changes taking place. At the 9th and 10th day I even dared to look up what it might look like at this stage... we dared to share jokes about what we would do if I was pregnant. The 11th day came, the night before I was surprised at how anxious and nervous I was to find out the result of our wait, I was exhausted. We did the test. It was negative. I couldn't believe what I saw - how could it be right when I felt it, I knew it. I was dazed and felt very confused as was boyf. He could not understand either, we cuddled in each others arms and I don't know why but I tried hard not to cry. I felt like crying would be admitting that it had been something that I had very much wanted and had thought would work. It was a strange kind of grief, a grief for something that never was. Eventually we pulled ourselves together and a hot cup of tea soothed me. It was then I was still mulling over my confusion, at how I still felt, like I must be pregnant. I glanced again at the test. I jolted in my chest. There it was, two pink lines! We had made a mistake, we had looked too early! I had to be sure though, I got dressed and went straight to my car, I drove out to the chemist and bought  two tests. The second test came up immediately as positive! We were so happy! I almost could not believe it. The delight filled me, I felt odd but special and caught up in this, we were unable not to tell family the news. Again I felt this protectiveness, self protection for what was inside me and I went about with this air that I was unable to do anything, let alone anything that might actually have been dangerous for my situation. For two days I felt like this, it was exciting and new. I was nervous and apprehensive, uncertain of what it would all mean and I daydreamed about our future. Two days passed but the second night, a heaviness came into my hips and I felt hot and uncomfortable. I slept restlessly. The morning came and I knew I didn't feel right, I decided to stay in bed but my heart already told what my body had already begun. I miscarried that day. I was overwhelmed by the sadness of it, the sadness I felt. I also did not want to admit how I felt. I had read about what you should do in this scenario - have a damn good cry, then get over it. It wasn't meant to be. I tried to console myself with finding out why a person may miscarry at such an early stage - it seems our body knows when something is not right with the egg - the potential child it will be, there are either not enough cromosones or too many. Its better this way, I know that. It didn't stop me feeling sad though and foolish. The weeks afterwards I felt oddly affected, a cloud seemed to be hanging over my head - I knew it wasn't the end we have another chance or chances - it was more than what had happened though. I realised that this child, the one I thought I wasn't desperate for, I had hoped it would fill a hole. I have this gaping hole in my life called fulifillment, or purpose, or meaning. This experience has lead me down a path where my soul has been laid bare and the reality is: I feel lost. I have been searching for myself and I truly don't know where to turn. The awful thing is, I know that I have to help myself, but even though I tell myself what I need to do, god its a struggle. I get up, I am taking myself to the gym. This is good and also something I must do help my own strength physically and in my bones. I am able to do this. What I am struggling with is motivating myself to do something else - something creative or just something else. I should be happy, and I am happy on one level - I couldn't ask to be with a better, more amazing, more supportive boyf. He is my strength at the moment. I have a beautiful wedding to look foward to and honeymoon to follow both of which I know will make my heart soar.... what I am scared of is what happens afterward.....what happens when the wedding is over.... I will need a new focus. We will try again at the IVF but second time around, I am more scared, and I don't think this can be my only focus... I need to find something else, but what? What? What? What?