It's Friday!

It's my neice Emily's 18th birthday today! I can't quite beleive it, but then I am 31. I am actually a bit jealous, its such a fun age to be; 18/19/20 were all brilliant. I'm excited for her!

Entering Zombie land

Its 11.15pm and I can feel myself slipping into that weird place where you should have been asleep ages ago but for any reason you are still awake and your thoughts start to jump around in your head. My thoughts run over one another like water and you can't retrace what your last thought was. Then you realise you must have been dreaming - I guess this is what they describe when you get hypnotised. Kind of awake dreaming. I want to go to sleep but the niggle that has kept me awake in the first place is struggling to go and now I am rambling again. My throat hurts. I was supposed to go somewhere tomorrow morning - I was supposed to be trying my first belly dancing lesson but, to be honest I probably won't go. Ever.

Boyf if you are reading this. You have really pissed me off. I had to say it here because I couldn't even bring myself to say it to your face. You had no real reason to make me feel like this.

Depressed, tired and confused.... and a pinch of angry

I just can't seem to recover from the weekend away in Prague, followed by another weekend being woken up in the early hours and then kept awake by someone vomiting. Apparently though I am not allowed to say anything or voice my opinions because 'someone' gets moaned at at work. So what I am I supposed to do suck it all up until it just implodes inside me. I'm so frustrated because I try to be sympathetic but sometimes when I am at my lowest ebb I just get another kick down from the one person I would like to just hold me and tell me  its ok and everythings going to be alright. I rarely get angry or pissed off but when I do its because I am so fucking tired I just can't cope anymore. It makes me feel drained of everything and I get this tight feeling across my chest like I don't know what to do with myself. Its at those moments when I feel trapped, trapped in this stupid body and to be honest filled with self pity. I hate myself for that, its like a perpetual cycle of being really pissed off you aren't the same as you used to be, the same as everyone else getting on with their lives, then thinking for goodness sake get on with it - look at everything you have got and see how other people are worse off than you. I do see that believe me and my empathy with others in worse predicaments is felt deeply. I should be happy and grateful, I get offered brilliant, amazing things but sometimes I can't see the worth in them because all I want really is to be normal.  I desperately needed an early night tonight but due to a turn of events, instead I am up writing this and feeling fucking miserable. I wonder where my self respect has gone - it's slipped away along with anyone elses respect. All I seem to able to do is spend money, think about how I look and get consumed in my own vanity. It's like that is my only distraction because its easy and its something I can do, it takes me away from my existence for a while. Its lonely too, because no matter what anyone else says, noone truly understands and the one wish I would have is that some one, just one person would understand. I would much rather be moaning about work than the usual being tired and the aches and pains.... this is where you start to think you could really fuck your relationship because if you go on about it all the time then it will get boring and all you do is 'whinge,whinge, whinge and moan and complain and you're never bloody happy!' I'm only fucking human! Everything seems like hard work, everythings an effort and at the moment..... I feel like giving up.
I re-read this and my first thought is about 'someone' I know he works hard and he is giving everything (and every bit of himself) to his work at the moment because he has to. He is tired too and maybe we are just both too tired to support each other at the moment. I have nothing to give and neither does he.