Its night like these

It has reached 10pm and I should be feeling quite happy. I had friends over and its been a lovely sunny day but it was not the day I had in my mind. I had my BFF and her husband and son over which was lovely and I was looking forward to them and Boyf having a chance to get to know each other. I just don't think Boyf was in the right frame of mind. It wasn't just today though things have been difficult. I wonder if Boyf needs more time on his own than spending time with me on the weekend. Saturday morning he had a golf lesson followed by a massage so we didn't meet up until the afternoon, and from then it all went pear-shaped. After lunch I decided to do some gardening and tidy up our rockery - I also wanted to plant some plants I had bought from the market. It damn near killed me clearing one tiny little patch as the whole thing had become infested with grass and knot weed. I made a bit of headway though and managed to get one hydrangea in and some lilac bulbs. Whoopdido. Sweaty, slightly muddy and shattered; I came in. Boyf was on the big sofa (we have two sofa's) I wanted to sit down maybe eat a little fruit (which was why I wanted to sit on that sofa - by the coffee table. It makes sense if you know our lounge) before I went up for a shower. However a grumpy voice told me that there was no room on the sofa as Boyf was stretched out and comfortable. Brilliant. I couldn't be bothered to argue so I went and had my shower. I came back down and there was Boyf snuggled up on said sofa with Molly (large female boxer dog). Talk about salt in the wound. What I don't understand and I wish someone would explain is, why is it women go to great lengths to think about how their man is feeling when it obvious that men do not do the same. For example, number 1. when Boyf gets in from work I try not to bombard him with questions or tell him about my day so he has a chance to unwind. I also would not choose this time to discuss important issues. (If I had any). Number 2 when Boyf has been cleaning the cars or working hard outside on the weekend I ask him if he is ok when he comes in and offer him tea or drinks. I do wonder though, if it is all because at the moment I am not working and although he says it as a joke, he think I am 'living the dream'. Its so hard for me to put into words what is really going on with me. Its like I get so tired sometimes I feel like a dead stone and then at other times I feel quite normal and have lots of energy. I then do a load of stuff and it turns my body into an old granny body. I walked the dog this afternoon and my hip started playing up. I did another 10 minute workout but I couldn't finish it because my arms were too weak. I am not saying I am giving up because I am not I think I can be fit again - it will take a while but I think its possible. I can't stand being weak. I am quite obsessed with watching Got to Dance at the moment and I think its partly because I am overwhelmed by the strength and grace the dancers have. I would love to be able to feel like that, to feel strong in my body. The last time I felt fit was probably 2002 when I was 23. I am going to be 32 this year. Its not just fit I'm talking about, it's not being totally fucked. God, I hate this, I was brought up not to be a whinger and here I am whinging. I've been watching Katie Piper's Beautiful Friends and its kind of strange, because although they are different on the outside rather than the inside as I am, I can relate to some of the things they have been through, Cushings changed me a lot physically as well as mentally. Even now I have hang ups about the chronic fatigue, (not to mention some physical aspects that changed my body as a result of Cushings and have not got better) but I forget that I actually take medication to make my body work every day. I wonder what exactly would happen if I stopped taking the medication. I think I probably know the answer to that. The thing about not having a pituitary that works is it is like having your legs chopped off only no-one else can see and they don't help you. Boyf says I am needy and I probably am, I crave affection and hugs and kisses, I think because it makes me feel something, like I am wanted, needed somehow. I get upset if he leaves for work and doesn't kiss me, or goes to bed and doesn't say goodnight and give me a goodnight kiss. Is it because this is the only small validation I get that I am worth something? I am not able to give anything financially apart from buying groceries occasionally. I try and keep up with the housework along with trying to get myself fitter and better. I just can't get over the feeling though that Boyf and other people, outside of my family, would have more respect for me if I had a job. You always have the come back then 'well, I'm working too you know!' what do you say when you have been at home all day and especially if you have had a day when you have felt unable to do anything. Boyf phones me and says ' so what you been up to today?' - a perfectly normal and reasonable question... I then feel slightly akward and maybe even a bit embaressed when I have to say, 'well, actually not that much today, I haven't really done anything.' Its worse when you know your Boyf works really hard. He puts so much into his work. He comes home most nights and still has to do work and quite often on the weekend it doesn't stop. It's very stressful for him and I know he gets very tired. I feel guilty and sad and needy all at once because even though I realise this I desperately want his time and attention because he is all I have. I don't mean in the sense I don't have family or friends but in the sense that he is the only person that I see every night and sometimes the only person I will have seen all day (don't get the violins out, this doesn't happen very often, and I don't really mind it.) Then there is the added pressure on him that I love him so much, and adore his company. I can't help wondering if I had a job, perhaps I wouldn't focus on him so much. Then again I am not sure I would crave his hugs and kisses any less. I can't help thinking in one corner of my mind though - is this a sad situation that works needs to be an answer to a relationship problem. Boyf would probably say there is no problem but I think there is, well it feels like a problem to me. Like an elephant in the room. Oh, I don't know, I am rambling now as my brain is starting to scramble all over the place as I am getting tired. I am tempted to look for a job. I just don't know what to do though??? Ideally for me to cope with it, it would need to start around 10am and finish at around 4pm. Definitely with a lunch break included! Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays would be a good start so I would have a day to recover in between. It sounds pathetic doesn't it. Or if you are just lazy, and obviously don't have children, quite good! What can I do!!??? Its shitty because not only am I forced to compromise how many hours I can work but also I can't pursue the jobs I would really love to do. The only thing I can think that might work is a receptionist job. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a receptionist but I think its fair to say most people would see it as a spring board job to something else. I have done it before so I know I could do it, perhaps it just depends where you work as a receptionist, maybe if it was somewhere that interested me it wouldn't be so bad. Ok, so if you happen to know of somewhere, let me know.... Right, time to stop rambling, I'm actually giving myself a headache let alone whoever might be reading this. Sorry.