Welcome to my world...

Hi there, if you are reading this then, welcome. I am doing this because it a) feels cathartic and b) its nice to share.
I'm not working at the moment as I am currently trying to focus and use the energy I have to get some doctors and specialists to HELP ME!
6 years ago I had the tumour removed to stop me dying from Cushings Disease. What I wasn't expecting was to fall into the small 10% of people who end up getting meningitus after surgery and to top it off a pituitary that had to be nearly destroyed because it had grown out of shape.
It's a complicated subject and few people know or understand it, and it has cost me a career and a few friendships.
It has also allowed me to do some very enjoyable things and meet some amazing people and realise just how amazing my family and some of my friends are. I find my life after surgery a bit of an anomolie, it can be brilliant and it can be like living trapped in a body that doesn't work.
I will try and weigh up the pro's and con's:
Pro's:

• I nearly completed a make-up artist course, something I never would have allowed myself to consider doing pre-illness.
• I did complete an Art Foundation Degree - again something I would not have done if I had not got sick.
• My family supported me like a solid brick wall that held me up through all the difficult times.
• I was able to meet a man who loves me and understands.
• I don't have to work.
• I'm not disfigured, on the outside anyway!

Cons:

• I am not working - leading to lack of earnings, leading to lack of self-respect, leading to dispair.
• Fatigue and apathy bog my life down and the effort to complete projects is like climbing the himalaya's.
• Letting other people down
• Constantly forgetting and losing shit
• Upsetting the people I love
• Weak body

Ok, so I will leave it even at 6 points each. I hate being pessimistic, even as I write the con's I'm thinking 'oh for god's sake, man up will you!' It's ingrained in me to get on with life no matter what happens. Oddly I do think I was born under a lucky star, otherwise surely I would be dead by now...? Not just from the disease I have had but also from the many stupid situations I put myself in in my youth! I have had some incredibly lucky moments. Like the time I accidently let next doors guinea pig escape and had to confess when I couldn't get it back... I was sent to my room where I prayed to whatever god or whatever is out there to bring the little guinea pig back...alive. Luckily, it did come back. I think more out of greed rather than thought of my meagre suffering, the cabbage and carrots on offer were too much for it to turn down. Thank you, whoever you are.
Then there was the time when I had been working in Sydney for 5 months and was supposed to be saving to go travelling up the east coast.... had I saved anything? Had I heck! I had had a great time, going out drinking, eating, sight seeing and generally living the life... so, what on earth was I going to do? In a pub in Sydney, my friend and I get talking to a couple of lads,also travelling, I end up telling them my situation (god they must have thought I was the life and soul!). It turns out they had made friends with a financial advisor in Sydney who was able to claim their working tax back. They gave me his name and I will never forget it: 'Archie Blue'. All I had to do was go and see him, tell him I knew and was friends with these lads and he would sort me out with my tax back! Bingo! I had money for travelling with! Extraordinary.
I'm not altogether sure where I am going with this blog thing, but I do know I need somewhere to bear my soul. Sometimes I wonder if I am completely barking or whether I can blame it on a damaged brain. I actually think it could be a combination of both.
I made a fuck up today, and I feel terrible. Boyf. bought an amazing HD 3D TV, supersonic in every way... we've only had it a couple of months and you won't beleive what I have managed to do.... or when you get to know me you probably will... but, today, I put a programme I was watching on pause and turned the TV screen off thinking it would be fine. WRONG!!!!! How wrong could I be? Boyf. got home before me so discovered the trauma first. The screen has been burnt. Over £1000 worth of brand new HD 3D television totally screwed because I wanted to watch 'Four Weddings'. OMG. Of course I have asked him if he wants me to pack tonight but he says it can wait until morning. The words 'I forgive you' were so far away I think they may have been taken out of the dictionary. I might as well have murdered someone. I feel terrible. The worst thing is I tried to look on the internet for solutions, but its all very depressing, no help at all and the stupid Samsung call centre closed at 6pm so couldn't talk to them about my problem either... Actually called and asked my brother to speak to Boyf. as he pretty much silently disappeared upstairs after the horrendous discovery was made. I didn't know what to say, I was hoping Bro. might have some magic answer that would make the disaster disappear and everything would be alright. Unfortunately not. Thanks Bro. So, we have been talking...civilly about our day after having dinner, and we go to bed. It is obvious Boyf. is upset but trying not to go mad at me and he is doing well. I on the other hand am not doing well, I have palpitations and ball of guilt sludging in the pit of my stomach. The knowledge that I have broken the prize TV, the TV that we have been proudly showing off ot our friends and family for the past month, is eating me up. If I had money I would throw money at the problem - thats always a good solution. Unfortunately, I have an allowance from my parents, enough to live happily from but definitely not enought to cover a brand new HD 3D TV. What am I going to do? Ok. Plan of action; tomorrow I will call the Samsung call centre to see what they advise... maybe it will heal itself? Its all singing all dancing after all, why can't it do this one little thing for me??????? Next, perhaps I can check whether we can get a replacement under warranty... I'm thinking this is a long shot and quite unlikely... but I won't get anywhere thinking like that. Any more ideas...... *?*....... I just don't know what to do. Perhaps someone will read this? Perhaps some amazing, wealthy, kind person will read this - like those types on Secret millionaire and offer to help me? Like by 'helping' me get a new one? I would like to say at this point I do very much beleive in both divine intervention and gaurdian angels. Oh, and that the kindness of humanity does still exist. If you feel you wish to comment on any of this or even to offer me helpful advice, please do.... If anyone needed it it's me.