One more sleep

One more sleep and the folks are back! I'm looking forward to returning to normality - it's been nice being with my kitty cat but I miss Boyf and my own bed. Also can't wait for July; three weddings to go to! Plus my birthday Whoop Whoop! (Although I will not be mentioning my age and I do not want a birthday cake).
Also, finally Boyf has plucked up the courage to book two whole weeks off from work in August - Yes, we are actually going to go on holiday. He definitely needs it - apparently according to Mr. 'I am the portent of doom' the next 6 months are going to be quote; 'dark times'. Luckily on clarifying this, this was not referring to our relationship. I can't help thinking that if you view life with pessimism, you are inviting it your way. OK you may expect that things will change and some of those things will be difficult but ultimately, perhaps those things happen for a reason and the eventual outcome is better than you expected and perhaps even an improvement on what you may have planned. Life has a funny way of interfering. I of all people know this. I for one intend to stay firmly positive, I have signed up for a TV, Film, and personal stylist course and I can't wait to start. It's just something to give me another focus and energise me. Not long to wait either as course starts on Monday 4th July. OK so I may or may not end up doing something with it but really its for me to boost my own confidence and give me options. You don't know unless you try, right?

Cafe Rouge, Wokingham

Met up with welsh leek for dinner Friday night and as I had a 2 for 1 voucher for Cafe Rouge we went there. I like it there as at least it is a different option from all the italians/indians and chinese places. I had the lemon sole with new potatoes and veggies - I enjoyed it and it was very filling, it was a large fish... I always thought they were quite small! Welsh leek had the beef bourginon which if memory serves is also good. My pudding however was disappointing - it was a waffle with pear, ice cream and chocolate sauce. The waffle was really dry, the pear was warm all the way through but rock hard and whole! I had to try and cut it with a spoon! This was not very acheivable and the chocolate sauce overwhelmed the flavour of the pear. You wouldn't think chocolate sauce could be bad either but to be honest it wasn't great. So my conclusion is: Stick to the creme brulee they didn't go too wrong with that!

Back at the folks house

Staying back in my folks house for a week whilst they are away on holiday so I can look after my Kitty cat. She is so cute I love her to peices. She's a real funny little thing but she's always affectionate to me it's like we have a connective bond.... probably because we are quite similar, she likes to mooch and I like to mooch. She likes her food, I like my food. What can I say?
It's actually nice staying here for a few days anyway, I like looking through some of the things I haven't yet collected from here like old photo's. Found some funny ones of Zsa Zsa and me back in the day... ahhh, to reminisce. I might read Alice in Wonderland again. There is something about that story that is so magical and appealing. I remember reading it as a child and wishing so much I could be Alice and have her experiences, it was both beautiful and imaginative. It's a story that appeals to me as much now as it did as a child, I still sometimes wish I could disappear into a magical world. I think that is probaly why I still like films like Harry Potter, the dark series True Blood and The Twilight books and films. Life can be very dry sometimes and we can become bogged down to much with reality, it's great to have a bit of an escape sometimes... right I'm off to back to the Shire now!

Segway!

Sunday morning was Segway! I had got Boyf. a voucher for xmas and we finally managed to get booked in.... It was such a laugh, we got to wear lovely bright yellow visibility vests and helmets which made us look a little bit tard. I had hoped for a sort of Lara Croft / Tombraider look but that flew out the window and Boyf. chose to put his hood over his helmet resulting in the pea on a fork impression.

We had a breif on how they work and then a practice run.... it's all based on your body weight and centre of gravity. It has no brakes so you control it completely by your body. It's a bit of weird sensation at first but as you get used to it, it gets really easy.

I was thinking I could do with one at home! One major problem though Segways are not road legal and you aren't even allowed to take them on public land. Brilliant. Our experience was at Dinton Pastures and we went for a 45 min ride around the lake which was cool. If you get the chance to try it - go for it. I got a voucher for my Mum and Dad to try it, anyone and any age can do it.

Boyf and I have got very excited, but instead of segways we might end up getting a couple of Vespa's! Whoop whoop! Neeeeooooowwww, Ciaooo! I can see myself whizzing along with that whole italian chic thing going on. Oh Yes.

The Hangover 2

Went to see The hangover 2 this weekend. I have seen the first one which I found really funny, it's worth watching twice as I think it gets funnier the second time around. The second one is pretty much the same formula but if you know that you know what to expect from the movie. Personally I thought it was just as funny and any film that makes me laugh out loud gets my vote!

A small breakthrough

Well there may be hope yet. GP has said he is going to refer me for a second opinion to somewhere in London. This is good because hopefully they will have a different approach to Oxford and maybe some different ideas as to how to help me.... I will just have to wait and see.

Limbo land

Well, the latest is, it seems no more can be done for me in terms of treatment. I am in such a small group of people with non-functioning pituitary's that there are not enough people to do research on. So I guess the next step is acceptance. I am feeling a bit lost though because I feel like I want to do something, something that gives me some sense of fulfilment but what that is I am not sure.....

It's Friday!

It's my neice Emily's 18th birthday today! I can't quite beleive it, but then I am 31. I am actually a bit jealous, its such a fun age to be; 18/19/20 were all brilliant. I'm excited for her!

Entering Zombie land

Its 11.15pm and I can feel myself slipping into that weird place where you should have been asleep ages ago but for any reason you are still awake and your thoughts start to jump around in your head. My thoughts run over one another like water and you can't retrace what your last thought was. Then you realise you must have been dreaming - I guess this is what they describe when you get hypnotised. Kind of awake dreaming. I want to go to sleep but the niggle that has kept me awake in the first place is struggling to go and now I am rambling again. My throat hurts. I was supposed to go somewhere tomorrow morning - I was supposed to be trying my first belly dancing lesson but, to be honest I probably won't go. Ever.

Boyf if you are reading this. You have really pissed me off. I had to say it here because I couldn't even bring myself to say it to your face. You had no real reason to make me feel like this.

Depressed, tired and confused.... and a pinch of angry

I just can't seem to recover from the weekend away in Prague, followed by another weekend being woken up in the early hours and then kept awake by someone vomiting. Apparently though I am not allowed to say anything or voice my opinions because 'someone' gets moaned at at work. So what I am I supposed to do suck it all up until it just implodes inside me. I'm so frustrated because I try to be sympathetic but sometimes when I am at my lowest ebb I just get another kick down from the one person I would like to just hold me and tell me  its ok and everythings going to be alright. I rarely get angry or pissed off but when I do its because I am so fucking tired I just can't cope anymore. It makes me feel drained of everything and I get this tight feeling across my chest like I don't know what to do with myself. Its at those moments when I feel trapped, trapped in this stupid body and to be honest filled with self pity. I hate myself for that, its like a perpetual cycle of being really pissed off you aren't the same as you used to be, the same as everyone else getting on with their lives, then thinking for goodness sake get on with it - look at everything you have got and see how other people are worse off than you. I do see that believe me and my empathy with others in worse predicaments is felt deeply. I should be happy and grateful, I get offered brilliant, amazing things but sometimes I can't see the worth in them because all I want really is to be normal.  I desperately needed an early night tonight but due to a turn of events, instead I am up writing this and feeling fucking miserable. I wonder where my self respect has gone - it's slipped away along with anyone elses respect. All I seem to able to do is spend money, think about how I look and get consumed in my own vanity. It's like that is my only distraction because its easy and its something I can do, it takes me away from my existence for a while. Its lonely too, because no matter what anyone else says, noone truly understands and the one wish I would have is that some one, just one person would understand. I would much rather be moaning about work than the usual being tired and the aches and pains.... this is where you start to think you could really fuck your relationship because if you go on about it all the time then it will get boring and all you do is 'whinge,whinge, whinge and moan and complain and you're never bloody happy!' I'm only fucking human! Everything seems like hard work, everythings an effort and at the moment..... I feel like giving up.
I re-read this and my first thought is about 'someone' I know he works hard and he is giving everything (and every bit of himself) to his work at the moment because he has to. He is tired too and maybe we are just both too tired to support each other at the moment. I have nothing to give and neither does he.