Take positive action

I am getting ahold of myself to take positive action, I think I will try and get a small rowing machine, one which i can take out and put away easily. Rowing machines are supposed to be good for excercising all the muscles in the body so I can improve my strength. If I can start doing that in the mornings for 10 - 15 minutes each day I feel hopeful I can improve. Also, Hubby has had good news on the work front so I have a feeling this might be the begining of a sign of things to come.... I feel I should also clarify that last year was a pretty amazing year, although it was pretty stressful at times, we still managed to pull off a wedding in six months and have the most incredible honeymoon ever! That I cannot complain about! Borneo was the most unique, beautiful, strange and wonderful experience. I really am a very lucky lady indeed and I have an awful lot to be grateful for.

2013 better be good! Or else!

So not the greatest start to 2013, I have had flu for the last 5 weeks and pretty much missed out on all the fun stuff over Christmas and New Year which in turn meant Hubby missed out too.... we have both ended up pretty fed up and miserable truth be known. I think, I think though that today I may be turning a corner and possibly feeling a bit better!!! I can't stand being unwell though - its a hang up from my long term illness that whenever I get ill, if lasts longer than two days I get really depressed. I heard a line in a film today which went along the lines of, 'death is easy, death is peaceful; Life is hard'. It's so true, life is hard, and even if you think positively which I try to do, sometimes its hard to see the breaks. I am struggling again truth be told, what with thinking about what to do about IVF and then also what am I doing with my life??? I just feel in a fog. I am finding it hard to get clarity on anything at the moment. I just don't know what I want and the trouble is I know I'm becoming more afraid. I'm afraid to get out there and live. Being unwell for so many weeks has made me physically very weak and the more I am physically weak, the more afraid I am. I get scared that I won't get fit again and that my body will just increasingly go into decline. I cannot let this happen. See how self pitying I am, its so selfish - I actually loathe talking this way. I never respected people who moaned and didn't just pick themselves up and get on with life, so how can I respect myself now? I must try and focus on all the good and precious things in my life. My husband for one. He is so special to me, he is honestly like an angel who has come into my life - I can't imagine not being with him now and we seem to fit together so well. I know above all else that I can be there for him.

Boyf and Lottie finally tie the knot!!!

August and a very strange time (IVF)

It has been a while since I posted here, so much has been going on in my life and I felt unable to write about it as it was so personal. We (Boyf and I) had started a journey. IVF. Its a strange journey, well, it was for me. It was our first attempt and I embarked on it without worry or even I think a thought for the final outcome. It seemed to me like a procedure very much like procedures I had undergone before, injections, medications and for me not a very big deal - that is, to physically do. What I didn't realise at the time was, on an unconscious level I had fully commited myself to this. Even though I kept reminding myself and others I had told that this may not work, I beleive now, I thought it would. I went throught the physical procedures and did everything I was told by the doctors, trusting in what was happening. Each step passed without troubles and the day the little egg was put back, I felt protective and wary but confident. Eleven days passed slowly, but gradually, I began to feel signs and indications of changes taking place. At the 9th and 10th day I even dared to look up what it might look like at this stage... we dared to share jokes about what we would do if I was pregnant. The 11th day came, the night before I was surprised at how anxious and nervous I was to find out the result of our wait, I was exhausted. We did the test. It was negative. I couldn't believe what I saw - how could it be right when I felt it, I knew it. I was dazed and felt very confused as was boyf. He could not understand either, we cuddled in each others arms and I don't know why but I tried hard not to cry. I felt like crying would be admitting that it had been something that I had very much wanted and had thought would work. It was a strange kind of grief, a grief for something that never was. Eventually we pulled ourselves together and a hot cup of tea soothed me. It was then I was still mulling over my confusion, at how I still felt, like I must be pregnant. I glanced again at the test. I jolted in my chest. There it was, two pink lines! We had made a mistake, we had looked too early! I had to be sure though, I got dressed and went straight to my car, I drove out to the chemist and bought  two tests. The second test came up immediately as positive! We were so happy! I almost could not believe it. The delight filled me, I felt odd but special and caught up in this, we were unable not to tell family the news. Again I felt this protectiveness, self protection for what was inside me and I went about with this air that I was unable to do anything, let alone anything that might actually have been dangerous for my situation. For two days I felt like this, it was exciting and new. I was nervous and apprehensive, uncertain of what it would all mean and I daydreamed about our future. Two days passed but the second night, a heaviness came into my hips and I felt hot and uncomfortable. I slept restlessly. The morning came and I knew I didn't feel right, I decided to stay in bed but my heart already told what my body had already begun. I miscarried that day. I was overwhelmed by the sadness of it, the sadness I felt. I also did not want to admit how I felt. I had read about what you should do in this scenario - have a damn good cry, then get over it. It wasn't meant to be. I tried to console myself with finding out why a person may miscarry at such an early stage - it seems our body knows when something is not right with the egg - the potential child it will be, there are either not enough cromosones or too many. Its better this way, I know that. It didn't stop me feeling sad though and foolish. The weeks afterwards I felt oddly affected, a cloud seemed to be hanging over my head - I knew it wasn't the end we have another chance or chances - it was more than what had happened though. I realised that this child, the one I thought I wasn't desperate for, I had hoped it would fill a hole. I have this gaping hole in my life called fulifillment, or purpose, or meaning. This experience has lead me down a path where my soul has been laid bare and the reality is: I feel lost. I have been searching for myself and I truly don't know where to turn. The awful thing is, I know that I have to help myself, but even though I tell myself what I need to do, god its a struggle. I get up, I am taking myself to the gym. This is good and also something I must do help my own strength physically and in my bones. I am able to do this. What I am struggling with is motivating myself to do something else - something creative or just something else. I should be happy, and I am happy on one level - I couldn't ask to be with a better, more amazing, more supportive boyf. He is my strength at the moment. I have a beautiful wedding to look foward to and honeymoon to follow both of which I know will make my heart soar.... what I am scared of is what happens afterward.....what happens when the wedding is over.... I will need a new focus. We will try again at the IVF but second time around, I am more scared, and I don't think this can be my only focus... I need to find something else, but what? What? What? What?

My Hen do! How very surreal!

Last weekend I had my Hen do in Bath and it was brilliant. I had a fab time, it was kind of surreal though, I can't quite believe I was the Hen! It's been a long time coming and it felt good. It's a strange kind of right of passage really, and although you see others out celebrating their own hen do's in their own way, you don't realise how much it means to you until you do it. The best part is having all your ladies around you and just having a laugh with them - everything else is peripheral. I think some of the best bits were getting my mumsie in a cocktail bar at 5.30 in the afternoon, something she has never done before, and admitted she actually quite enjoyed! 'Oo, it's Pimm's 'o' clock!'. The evening meal was fab too, we went to The King William Pub
(www.kingwilliampub.com) where we had our own private dining room. The food was delicious and Fiance had laid on *Surprise* (shouting) champagne! Not only that, but my sisters had put sparkles everywhere, gave me a silly veil and sash to wear, and had gone to the effort of putting together pass the parcel! I genuinely couldn't have asked for more. My friends were amazing too and all made an effort to make it special. Bath is such a pretty place and its historical architecture give it real atmosphere, there is so much to do there, well worth a visit.

Maisie my beautiful black cat

Maisie first came to me when I was living in Reading. She adpoted me. She was a lively little thing, small, and very rounded. Round paws, round face and a round tummy! She loved to play - chasing string was a great game and she also loved it when you flicked a pen or pencil for her to chase. She would cunningly hide....wiggle her bottom....and pounce! She used to make us laugh! I have never seen a cat literally jump before either; she could literally 'boing' off all four feet. In the evenings she was a lap cat and she would love to cuddle up but bedtime was her favourite when she could snuggle right up against your legs. Of course in the morning when she woke up, it wasn't just time for her to get up, it was time for you to get up too.... standing right on top of you a furry face would be staring at you and a paw would reach round prod you on the head, then she would lean in and nibble your hair....little pesty. In her later life she was timid but she was always affectionate to me and my parents, particularly my mum who cared for her as much as I did. She was always a huge comfort to me when I was struggling and at the end when I knew she was struggling it was no longer kind or fair to prolong her life when she was no longer happy. I loved her very much and she will always have a special place in my heart. Be at peace now Maisie and we will miss you. xxxx

Fabulous d'ahlingk!

Whilst planning my wedding I have been exploring various websites to find unique and beautiful accessories and I whole heartedly recommend Etsy. www.etsy.com It's a website that has lots of little boutique shops attached to it. You can find gorgeous vintage, handmade or upcycled items that no one else will have....  Honestly I can't get enough of this website! It's great for finding presents too, and the pricing is usually very good. Get nosing immediately!

This headpeice is from Twigs & Honey (Gorgeous shop name too) a featured seller on Etsy.